Drained .

I am exactly what my title says. Drained. I am soo incredibly exhausted. I'm on 2 hours of sleep. That's my own fault though. I was up till like 5 am talking to an old friend. My oldest friend I should say. I've known her since I was 3 years old. And I remember every single memory I ever shared with her. Down to when she was in the hospital room with my mother and I when my brother was born almost 16 years ago. Crazy huh ? And so we hadn't talked in ages. Literally. And we ended up chatting it up for about 3 hours. We talked bout everything. Boys, family, and yup church. Her and I grew up in the same church. Mind you, her uncle, is the church's pastor and MY Godfather. We grew up there. She is of "Christian" faith. But we still got on subject as to how could most, if not all church go'ers be so judgmental of the outside "world"? They are the ones that should accept you for who you are, like Jesus has cause, correct me if I'm wrong, but your supposed to be following His example ... Right? yee of Christian faith? (This is in no way, shape or form towards anyone in particular... At ALL.) And she was just telling me how everyone at that church has changed so dramatically and they just wanna dominate everything and how they are all so fake, etc .. Not gonna get into that much being the subject that it is.

But anywho ! I'm in such need of medical attention. But I haven't been able to see a doctor yet. I have all the symptoms of anemia again. Lord knows I don't wanna become anemic all over again. Sleeping too much, then insomnia, feeling weak, lack of appetite, not to mention haven't had my period in 3 months? Oh I'm sorry, too much info? Deal with it. And I have every freaking symptom of freaking medical depression. Not something I want at all. I don't wanna be popping pills for every single little thing I have. Also worried bout diabetes, the cyst on my wrist that won't go away and why I keep losing so much weight. In a nut shell? I need blood work done -_- imma get all that checked out come the new year. I need to be more responsible for myself. I can't continue to be stressed and have these sleepless nights, etc. Not doing me justice.

Not to mention, I have boy drama. So I'm dating my boss's son. "OMG! Ash! How coul.. Why wouldd... That's not ..." Yeaaah, save it. I've heard it all. And its actually not as complicated as it may seem, as far as the situation goes. The boy on the other hand, is just ugh. He refuses to take the GED exam. And I'm noone to MAKE someone do something but, when I'm involved, it does have affect on me. He is "madly in love" with me, would do anything for me apparently, but won't do a stupid test? He pictures us spending "forever" together.. Well, I don't picture me together with someone without a future cause clearly you need a HS diploma or equivalent to get into college, etc. I refuse to have kids and be like " oh yeah, your father was a HS dropout simply and only because he doesn't like school (his actual reason) but you, you have to go to school cause I said so. Like wtf, what is the kid gonna think? I'm pretty sure you can't support a family as a overnight security guard for a job earning what, $12 buck an hour ? Get. Real. I told him all this ... Straight up. I was over his house last night. Arguing for hours. And of course, Jackie (his mom, my boss) kept coming upstairs all nosy knocking ... "Ashley, umm, do you want something to drink?" "NO. I'm fine thanks" .... 20 mins later "umm Ashley, want a sandwich?" "NOO JACKIE!" ... Yeah I was pretty annoyed. Then she started texting me and I told her to mind her own business. Yeaaah I felt bad after. Whatevs. Went downstairs, he went outside & started to cry? Like wtf. He says he's scared he is gonna "lose me" cause he doesn't wanna do the exam. Ha. No comment. Its not even over a freaking exam. Its deeper than that. Hopefully you see my point of view. "I don't like school. I don't like it" just doesn't cut it for me at ALL! And I feel bad for my boss cause she feels like such a failure of a mom. But she is an amazing mom. You can tell. She is amazing altogether. Despite it all. The kid needs a little work. Well, he's not even a kid. He's a grown ass man who'll be 22 years old next week! Whatevs. I'm dropping the subject.

Ughh. I tell you, life isn't easy, but making it through even though you feel weak, makes you stronger than you think you are. I'm lost. I'm in a phase where I don't know what I want. I don't know where I stand. Don't know what I have. But hey, in order to find yourself you have to lose yourself first, right ? Maybe you don't see it that way. It doesn't matter. Its how I see it and its what imma stand by.

On a happier note, my Xmas was pretty decent. Spent Xmas eve @ Jackies. Got quite a few gifts from there. Gave her her gift too. Secret Santa exchange at work was also a success. One of the associates had me. Got a shirt & some unknown fragrance :| ill take what I can get though. My parents gave me something. Shocking. I know. And I gave them something too. Bigger shocker? No, not so much. I always give. You should know me. Tomorrow is new year eve. I'm off from work. Whoop ! I don't have anything planned. I refuse to make plans with anyone anymore. Its always a fail and disappointment. So imma try and live day by day and if u catch me not busy, then we can hang. If not, your SOL. So who knows where ill be tomorrow night. With that said, I think I've blogged enough from my phone today. I hope your Xmas was great! And that you have fun welcoming the new year. Make the best of it. Start it off fresh. With a positive mind set. Its 2010 people ! See you on the other side !

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. I love you !

XOXO, Ashley